So I was on a flight to India last week. It would be my first time back home since I came to the US more than a year back. I knew, or at least I thought, that everyone was waiting expectantly for my return. I imagined the crowds, the paparazzi, the flashbulbs, the screaming. Ok I may have gone a little too far, even for my standards. Anyways, as the flight taxied off the runway at JFK, I began to think on how I must make an American impression on the people I would meet during my stay. So here are my 10 ways to fake NRIness. It is the #1 bestseller in Goa.
1. The fake accent. It is the most obvious one and I need not elaborate further. Let’s just say that some people start working on it the moment they land in the US. Unfortunately it wasn’t the case with me.
2. Yo clothes. Again, very common and obvious. I am sorry this is sounding like a Times of India article where they state the obvious. But I would like to emphasize that an ‘I Love NYC’ t-shirt is a must.
3. An Apple product. Make sure you have an I-Pod, Pad, Phone in your hands, ears, mouth, etc.
4. Use American vocabulary like trunk for boot, elevator for lift, gas for petrol etc.
5. Exclaim on a regular basis ‘Is this how they do it in India?’
6. Use sunscreen before going out, even at night.
7. Talk about how similar India is to what is shown in the movie ‘Slumdog Millionaire’.
8. Keep emphasizing on how hot it is and how you are suffering from jet lag, even after a month.
9. Once in a while, make the mistake of giving dollar bills while making payments.
10. Distances should be in miles, weight in pounds, and temperature in Fahrenheit.
It is okay if you use pounds for distances also. As long as you sound exotic it should be fine.
Good luck to my US returned readers and fans. All hail the fake NRIs.